When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
This song is in the video I linked to Friday . I think seeing the video while listening to the song really helped me hear it in a whole new way.
I have struggled from a pretty early age with my weight. In high school, I always felt like the fat girl. Always. My best friend (still best friend) is one of those tiny girls, it’s in her genes. My sister was always thin, her best friend was thin. So the people I saw the most, I felt like a cow around. It was made worse that high school is the epitome of skinny girls inquiring about their fat thighs. I was a solid size nine or eleven in juniors, having to hear these tiny, thin girls put themselves down for being fat. If they were fat, what was I?
I remember how my self-perception affected my self-confidence; my sense of worth. I always wondered why I wasn’t the skinny one like my sister. Why did I have to worry so much about what I ate? And the worst thing about this is that I wasn’t really fat, at all. But all through my high school age you could have not convinced me differently because the people around me, the skinny ones, were convinced THEY were fat.
A few years after high school, when I met Joseph, I really did gain weight and get fat. It happened slowly because I was happy and comfortable with myself. I gained weight because we would go out to dinner and then get dessert. I had finally sort of grown to love myself and feel comfortable in my clothes, then without realizing it I put on weight. A lot of weight. I remember the first time I realized I had really gained weight and looking at this picture of myself, wondering what happened?
And the thing is, it hurts to dislike yourself. It hurts to try to feel comfortable in your skin and constantly fail. It sucks to try to eat right and constantly be tempted or get tired of always needing to make a substitution. It sucks to feel like an oaf when trying to jog or get fit. And it still sucks to hear someone thinner then you complain about how fat they are.
The problem though, I’ve gotten so good at giving myself and my body what I want at the moment and not what it needs long term. Again and again I go through this cycle, I try my best and if I don’t succeed, it wrecks me. It’s tiring, truly exhausting, to never feel good enough, to feel like I just don’t measure up. And every single step forward leads to two steps back.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Yet, I continue and I will continue to persevere. Because I want to truly love myself. I want to feel strong and proud of what my body can do. I want to learn how to eat to live and not live to eat, but occasionally indulge. And because, the people in my life I didn’t expect it from, have surprised me. Sometimes, people reach out and touch me, they let me know they are here for me when I didn’t realize that is what I needed to hear. Because I want to know it’s possible so maybe someday, somewhere along the way, I can show someone else it’s possible, like so many people in real life and online have shown me. And, because I refuse to go through life, not loving the most important thing I have to take care of, myself.
And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth
Song lyrics are Fix You by Coldplay